Mea maxima *gulp*a

BAYBEEZ!!!!!

Oh goodness me, how La Large has missed you so!  Reunions of this nature require swelling orchestration, a view of scenic pastures, fairly bursting in verdant orgasm. Soft focus lens is, of course, de rigeur for this sort of occassion, but do be a love and not have the camera on me. (I'm suddenly reminded of the band "Heart" back in the 90's: Ann Wilson, the one with the voice, began putting on some non-MTV-sanctioned weight.  Videos began featuring her behind rocks, buildings, ocean liners etc. to hide her, or began using that weird stretchy effect that made her otherwise normal double chin start looking like a most abnormal dewlap.)  So no, keep the camera away from me if you please, because...

I have not lost a pound.

I have not gained either, but since "seeing" you, lo these many months, the hostage taking, i.e. blob vs babe, continues.  Let me explain my "disappearance" and what has transpired since spring. 

(ed. Maybe you should apolgize here. Y'know, for leaving folks hanging.)
(I'll get to that.)
(ed. It's only polite.)
(I will.)
(ed. Common courtesy would dictate...)
(ALRIGHT! In a minute!)

So, one day I turn on my computer and am typing away when all hell breaks loose.  A worm, a vicious, nasty computer worm invades my pristine wee 'puter and it scares the hoo-ha outta me. WTF??? All security systems go ape, odd honking sounds start coming out of my speakers...I switch everything off and that's the end of that.  I post a few more blogs from work, but who in the name of holy wants to stick around after hours pouring one's guts out in the same place one works?  Not to mention the peek-overs with their, "Watcha doin'?"s. I found myself rapidly losing patience trying to write with the sounds of the cleaners and vacuums going on around me.  I decided to get the problem fixed - take the machine to a fixit shop and have done with it.

And I didn't.

My computer stayed at home, neglected and forlorn.  I got out of the habit.  I stopped doing whatever good things I was doing - yoga, walking, eating right...All systems shut down, just like my Dell.  It was like the worm got at me too, only I didn't make honking noises...well, not honking ones, at any rate.

Summer arrived with its promise of warm weather, warmer friends on patios, and ice-cold beer.  To counteract the latter, out came the bike to commute to work, save on the more humid days when my pores unleash a cascade of sweat one can harness for electrical power (take that, Ontario Hydro!).  I started taking spinning classes (cycling, not "I can make a sweater out of this!"), and I tell ya, the instructor...It's not that I want to hurt her in any way, but damn, how can spandex be LOOSE on anyone???  Her body fat is centered on her earlobes and perhaps she carries a little extra fat on her nostrils but she is...a babe.  She's super nice, too. The bitch.  She even complimented me on the fact that I kept up with the class.  Grrrrr.....

Let's see what else...my arch nemesis, my office chair, has been replaced by another.  Unfortunately, the two spoke and the new chair has my ass in a vice-grip so tight we should be dating.  And, oh yes...

I'm not.  The pathological singleness continues.  Not a priority.  DF (dear friend, if you recall from the earlier blog) airs me out from time to time - going to the theatre or opera with a handsome boyo on your arm is not a bad thing.  At all. 

Work is a constant stress and it is a daily struggle to find balance.  But I'm getting there.  It's the battle betwixt "I can do this all by myself" and "I know when to ask for help" that hangs me up sometimes.  Ever get that?  Somewhere down the line, I figured that I'd have to be entirely self sufficient, ENTIRELY!  I remember a fellow had bought me a necklace and was going to clasp it around my neck, and I whirled on him, snatched the necklace and snapped, "I'll do it!"  I believe his words were, "Settle down there, Simba."  Is it a real sense of independance? Or is it just ego?  I can't for certain say, but I do know one thing, this weight thing ain't gonna happen with just me alone so...

(ed. This would be a good time to apologize because you want something.)
(Well, no, actually, I was just going to say I was going to use specific meal and excercise plans and share my findings with the readers.)
(ed. Oh. So you're not aplogizing.)
(Lookit, Emily Post, I'll get to it. Chill.)
(ed. (indistinct mutterings))
(What did you say?!)
(ed. Nothing. La-la-la...)

Prevention Magazine. The Zone.  My local indoor pool.  My hiking club. My market.  Yup, these will be my co-conspirators in this quest, Part Deux.  Got the walking plan, fancy interval-timing watch, a swimsuit that doesn't make me look like an Oktober Fest bratwurst...all the bells and whistles.  And my blog!  My beautiful, holding-on-by-my-cuticles blog!  And you! You're back.  And I'm so grateful and happy to see you.  And I'm sorry I let you go...I'm sorry I let me go, but I'm not gonna beat my pia mater over it.  I'm going to try and be as lucid and together as I can, and when I fall apart, well I hope y'all will be here to offer a little support.  You don't have to put me back together ("I can do it!"), but any tricks and/or treats would be most welcome.  To be shared by all.  Blobs and babes alike.

Welcome back.
Lili La Large

(Y'see, I apologized.)
(ed. You could have offered them coupons or something...)
(Ohfertheloveof...!!)